It is an odd thing, to think you might have peaked in your life; to contemplate however briefly, that the very best, most productive years might be behind you. Odder still, is the acknowledgement that you simply do not operate from the same appetites that once propelled you. It feels strange to discover that just […]
Addiction. Don’t let me get started but at this moment I can’t stop myself. I’ve been watching someone loved dearly by parents, sometimes more than life itself, gradually over the years get sucked into the vortex of drugs. If you have an addictive personality, suffer enough unaddressed losses in your life and are depressed, you’re […]
I’d be so incredibly dead if it wasn’t for modern medicine and a few physicians that seemed part magicians as well as excellent doctors. My gratitude is an understatement, to say the least! And yet, from the tenuousness of intermittent chronic health conditions to the fragility of human relationships, as I traverse through the narrowing […]
Oh God, I can’t find my car keys. Big problem since I need to get a few things from the store, not to mention just to be able to exercise the freedom mobility offers. I remember when my parents were marching towards forgetfulness themselves, taking pity on them and, to my shame, judging them for […]
It is dawning on me in a deeper way that I am not safe here. My husband cannot keep me safe. He comes from a place I do not understand, cannot know. It is becoming clear there is a part of me that is “on my own”—-separate from a husband I thought I knew, could […]
August 1977 The heat in Ahvaz is getting to me so my husband’s cousin decides to take me to a Public Bath. It is just for women and though feeling warm and a bit sticky, it is still refreshing. I might even smell the hint of chlorine which is a great alternative to the dank […]
After the car accident, we hitch a ride with a kind stranger. By the time we get back to Karaj it’s dusk. There is a palpable sense of relief for all of us, quickly followed by an onset of diarrhea for both myself and the bride. Nerves, contaminated food or dirty plates, who knows the […]
Bizarrely, we are on our way to the Caspian Sea with Habib’s brother and his new bride. It seems the family felt so badly after my initiation into Iranian life with my husband doing time in Evin Prison, that they show me some beauty after the ugly visit’s beginnings. TRANSITIONS Habib and I are in […]
I’m thinking we can enjoy the rest of the visit in Iran, now that Habib is out of jail. Nasser’s wedding has been rescheduled and the family is happy. I feel more relief than joy though I do allow myself to fill intermittent cracks with happy feelings. Still, I’m guarded. Still, I’m nervous though it […]
I hang on to my emotions and, I guess, my sanity by a very fine thread. Days, weeks at this point have gone by after Habib was arrested, after the books’ removal, after meeting the innocuous former Savak detainee held for three years. Still no Habib! The energy around the whole thing, whatever all that […]